May I begin with a disclaimer: my last unprepared oral task required me to speak about what I would do if principal of my school. After taking nearly double the allotted time and being about two-thirds through my points, I was rudely asked to sit down. Compare the opportunities of a small South African private school principal to those of Ban-Ki-Moon, and do with that what you may.
For starters, I would remove all cliche from the UN. The term ‘sustainable development’ would be banned – UN members would instead refer to it as ‘keepin the people eatin and breathin’ in a heavy texan drawl. A strict dress code would be put in place commanding the sporting of a red trucker hat when ever the media are around. An extra 1000 euros would be paid into a UN member’s account every time he referred to the general assembly as ‘homies.’ In doing the above, we would be encouraging an image that would make us easier for the public to relate to.
In a bid to live up to the UN name, I have devised a plan that would be implemented on my appointment as Moon’s heir. Any delegate that mentions the name of a country shall be forced to hug a member of that country with zeal. If their hug lacks sufficient zeal (judged by all delegates who were within a 50m radius of the country-name utterance), the delegate shall be forced to do 30 push ups.
My final idea (for now) would be the introduction of electric chairs for all delegates. These would be activated on any delegate who speaks too slowly – an annoying gremlin that has crept into political culture. The time wasted by these monotonous speakers could be better spent helping the world.
Or buying new hoodies.
1. Pickup Lines
As clever as your ego tells you you are when using these romantic sins, a larger internal voice belonging to the female target is screaming ‘Idiot!’ A girl’s logic is simple: if you require pre-drafted lines to be funny, you probably have the sense of humour of a llama. On a bad day.
2. Pick up and Drive
Kidnapping is to a romance as a fridge is to a boiling hot mug of coffee. Not only will the coffee lose all of its heat, but the mug will probably crack and shatter into a million pieces due to some scientific phenomenon named after a French over-achiever. If you’ve got a fancy car to kidnap her in and think it could be seen as romantic, please google ‘closest asylums to <your town>.’ This is a humour blog but that’s a legitimate request. Legit.
Even if you want to ‘smack dat derriere,’ don’t do it or tell her about this fantasy – she’ll want to ‘smack dat face’ in return, and she’ll not be shy. Women want romance and all of that boring stuff, so if you like her you’ll have to play by her rules. Its a feminist philosophy, but this is the 21st century. Deal with it.
4. Eclectic Dressing
Girls want guys to look good. Standing out is a plus, but sticking out like an elephant floating in an aquarium tank is a no-no. Clothing items to avoid include scarves, polka-dotted socks, dresses and capes. Yes, girls want you to be their superman. No, they don’t want you to dress like him.
5. Come out of the closet
This is a tip worth noting: coming out of the closet will more often than not result in girls becoming less likely to want to go out with you. I’m extremely sorry if that statement crushes your plan to get a girl, but it had to be clarified. Too many guys* fall prey to this famed myth, so you should feel blessed that I’ve steered you clear of following that tradition.
I’ll take my payment for these tips by cheque please.
*assuming that at least one crazed nerd high on a concoction of cocaine, alcohol and idiocy tried this stunt on the most popular girl in school. I also assume that he got slapped by the girl and sent to a rehab centre by his parents.
I’m Brad, and I’ll be running this blog in the hope that my writing will induce laughter from you, the reader. Please follow the blog so that you don’t miss out on the imminent content.
Thank you muchly.
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