May I begin with a disclaimer: my last unprepared oral task required me to speak about what I would do if principal of my school. After taking nearly double the allotted time and being about two-thirds through my points, I was rudely asked to sit down. Compare the opportunities of a small South African private school principal to those of Ban-Ki-Moon, and do with that what you may.
For starters, I would remove all cliche from the UN. The term ‘sustainable development’ would be banned – UN members would instead refer to it as ‘keepin the people eatin and breathin’ in a heavy texan drawl. A strict dress code would be put in place commanding the sporting of a red trucker hat when ever the media are around. An extra 1000 euros would be paid into a UN member’s account every time he referred to the general assembly as ‘homies.’ In doing the above, we would be encouraging an image that would make us easier for the public to relate to.
In a bid to live up to the UN name, I have devised a plan that would be implemented on my appointment as Moon’s heir. Any delegate that mentions the name of a country shall be forced to hug a member of that country with zeal. If their hug lacks sufficient zeal (judged by all delegates who were within a 50m radius of the country-name utterance), the delegate shall be forced to do 30 push ups.
My final idea (for now) would be the introduction of electric chairs for all delegates. These would be activated on any delegate who speaks too slowly – an annoying gremlin that has crept into political culture. The time wasted by these monotonous speakers could be better spent helping the world.
Or buying new hoodies.